In my personal experience of having BPD:
- Having to live everyday with immense shame and guilt over damage you have created with your maladaptive behaviors and intensified emotions.. I am a judge that convicts me within all ways as guilty- I sentence myself to self-harm; burning, purging, and cutting myself mostly, though I have banged my head against a wall several times as well.. I also like to pick at dead skin and scabs to feel that burn when I feel I am in need of punishment. You try so hard to hide these things from others, because you literally cannot bare any criticism from them.. I will also add- I, in addition to my BPD, have AVPD (avoidant personality disorder) so it heightens this for me a lot more than it would a normal BPD, and it already is intensified with typical BPD… I find it better to criticize and punish myself, because then I am not getting rejected, shamed and abandoned by others.
- Grieving everyday over people who have hurt you. Those people are unknowing of the confliction you feel- loving and hating them simultaneously. I explained it in another answer, I don’t exactly have the energy as of now to type out as much as I did in that answer (that answer easily took me a half hour to write).. I cry and cut everyday over them, and then I also have dark thoughts of wanting to inflict the pain they did me unto them, but then I have thoughts of wanting to nurture them and desperately wanting to get them back.. Abuse split my perception into two.
- Your triggers easily firing. It is hard to explain how the slightest of things can just make me devalue someone.. I annoy myself :,)
- The self-hatred. UGH. I hate myself SO fucking much, it isn’t even comprehendible how much I am hating of myself. I despise and resent myself. I am both unacceptable and unlovable.
- The narcissistic tendencies.. Either people will just assume you are being so, and then at the least times expected, at least for me, I have selfish motivations.. It’s opposite almost. People accuse me of being selfish when I am not trying to be, and when I am being selfish, it is undetected…
- The pain felt with BPD is unlike anything anyone can experience emotionally. I have no emotional skin whatsoever, and everyday, my emotional wounds are nicked open, and they bleed out tears. I everyday, am in inconsolable pain, and no comfort I receive can even assuage the burn each time a wound is slit open.
- People are unrealizing that emotionally, we are children. It is documented I am emotionally 13–14, despite me being 19. Abuse stunted my emotional development. I am a helpless kid, who cries out to have her needs met.. I am horrified of growing up, because I am afraid once an “adult”, others will reject and neglect the child I am- more than I already have been.. I even look like a kid… Hell, I just got denied a Lyft ride today for not having an ID, and the woman thought I was a minor: Kara Soylular's answer to What ticks you off? (You can read that answer after you finish reading this one, if you’d like..)
- Being emotionally emaciated no matter how much you are fed with support, comfort and reassurance.. We cannot absorb these emotional nutrients.. I even am uncaring if the “food” I get is poisonous because I am so emotionally malnourished, and I wille at anything I can get. I always am emptied of happiness and joy.. When I do feel it, it is intense, yet very short-lived.. No more than 5–10 minutes lasting, I have of such things.. I always am eaten by my parasitic despair, that prevents me from absorbing the needed emotional nutrients.
- When you devalue someone, you literally see them as evil. There is no grey area. This gives a lot of room for negativity and conflict to arise interpersonally. But it is something that you cannot just “stop”.. They are completely wrong, evil, at fault, and they are despicable (the people you devalue- that’s how I see them, at least when I get into a devaluation episode).
- Most of all. People do not realize that borderline personality disorder (let alone any personality disorder) is how you adapted to be in order to survive trauma. So, we cannot exactly be held accountable for how we are, when it is all we have known to survive. People make a scapegoat out of cluster B personality disorders, when we have been traumatized more than you probably ever will be. As children. If someone has a cluster B personality disorder, you can almost be certain they have been victim of some of the most pernicious things imaginable that a human being can go through. 9/10 times, PD’s are caused by childabuse. In some instances, narcissistic personality disorder can be caused by a parent or environment spoiling their child, and then it reinforces them to develop narcissistic habits, but it still probably will not be as full-blown as someone with NPD who was abused… That is very seldom to be the case- developing NPD from being spoiled.. And even so, the child didn’t choose to be spoiled, so they cannot be with blame. We just are trying to survive with ineffective and harmful ways we have adapted. Seeing stigma everyday and hearing how hated you are.. It is unbearable to live with. It only adds to the immense pain felt with BPD, and inhibits recovery.. And because I also have AVPD, I am intolerable of it. I cannot handle any form of criticism thrown at me, without bursting into tears, self-harming, or being pushed to an episodic rage.
Oh.. And.. BPD+menstruation= no bueno. It means heightened emotional instability and vulnerability. I just am starting mine now, and I have to brace myself for the cramps -___- they will intensify in 2–3 hours and last for a fucking day. It literally feels like a knife is being stabbed into my ovaries, that’s how debilitating my cramps are. I don’t know if it is related to BPD, but it might be related to sexual trauma I’ve had of why I have such horrible cramps.